The story you are about to read is not entirely fiction. The names are invented. The numbers are real. There are 134 million households in America. This could be any one of them. It could be yours.

Today.

 

Have a Nice Day! The Bill You Never Approved

Episode Two

ACT I

“The Letter”

A Tuesday morning. Two weeks after the prospectus arrived.

(Lights up on the kitchen. PHIL sits at the table reading the newspaper. DORIS is at the counter pouring coffee. The prospectus sits on the table like a guest who has overstayed. The morning mail is in a small pile near Phil’s elbow. He picks up an envelope, looks at it, frowns.)

PHIL: Doris.

DORIS: Mm-hm.

PHIL: We got a letter from the government.

DORIS: Which part of the government?

(Phil looks at the letterhead.)

PHIL: The “Division of Foreign Adventures.”

(Beat.)

DORIS: The what?

PHIL: Division of Foreign Adventures. It’s got a seal on it and everything. An eagle holding a credit card.

DORIS: Read it.

(Phil puts on his reading glasses. He holds the letter at arm’s length, the way men of a certain age hold everything.)

PHIL: “Dear Valued Taxpayer. We are writing to inform you of certain adjustments related to the ongoing investment in the Iran Freedom Initiative, previously communicated to you under the title ‘Operation Epic Fury.’”

DORIS: Investment.

PHIL: That’s what it says. “Investment.”

DORIS: Keep going.

PHIL: “First, we wish to apologize for the recent forty-percent increase in gasoline prices. We understand this may cause temporary inconvenience. Please be assured that this increase is directly related to the closure of the Strait of Hormuz, which was an anticipated consequence of the investment and is consistent with projections outlined in the original prospectus.”

(Doris sits down. She looks at the prospectus on the table.)

DORIS: I read that prospectus twice. It didn’t mention the Strait of Hormuz.

PHIL: It mentioned “temporary energy market adjustments.” Page nine. In the footnotes.

DORIS: In six-point type.

PHIL: Under an asterisk.

DORIS: What else does the letter say?

PHIL: “Second, we wish to acknowledge that certain aspects of the Iran Freedom Initiative have proven more complex than originally projected. This is not uncommon in ventures of this scope and should not be interpreted as cause for concern.”

DORIS: Should not be interpreted as cause for concern.

PHIL: That’s government for “be concerned.”

DORIS: Is there more?

PHIL: “To ensure full transparency, a representative from the Escalation Division of Foreign Adventures will visit your household within the coming week to provide an updated briefing on investment performance and revised cost projections.”

(Long pause.)

DORIS: Escalation Division.

PHIL: Escalation Division.

DORIS: Of Foreign Adventures.

PHIL: Of Foreign Adventures.

(They look at each other. Then they look at the prospectus. Then they look at the letter. Then they look at each other again.)

DORIS: Phil.

PHIL: Yeah.

DORIS: Did we sign up for this?

PHIL: No.

DORIS: Did we approve this?

PHIL: No.

DORIS: Did anyone ask us?

PHIL: No.

(Doris picks up the letter. Reads the closing.)

DORIS: “We appreciate your continued support.”

(Phil takes a long sip of coffee.)

PHIL: We should get a dog. Dogs are loyal. Dogs don’t send you letters.

(Blackout.)

ACT II

“Karen”

One week later. A Thursday afternoon.

(Lights up. Same kitchen. The prospectus is still on the table. It has been joined by the letter from Act I, which Doris has placed next to it in what appears to be the beginning of a file. A knock at the door. Phil opens it. KAREN stands on the porch. She is impeccably dressed in a red suit. She carries a leather portfolio. Her smile is the kind of smile that has been professionally calibrated to convey warmth, competence, and the absolute certainty that everything she is about to tell you is for your own good.)

KAREN: Mr. and Mrs. Dalton?

PHIL: That’s us.

KAREN: Karen Whitfield. Division of Foreign Adventures. Escalation Division. Thank you so much for making time for me today.

PHIL: We didn’t make time for you. You just showed up.

KAREN: Yes! And I appreciate that flexibility.

(She enters. She looks at the kitchen the way a realtor looks at a house she is about to list. She sits down at the table without being asked. She moves the salt shaker to make room for her portfolio.)

DORIS: Would you like some coffee?

KAREN: I’d love some. Oat milk if you have it.

DORIS: We have milk.

KAREN: From a cow?

DORIS: That’s generally where it comes from.

KAREN: That’ll be fine.

(Karen opens her portfolio. Inside are color-coded charts, graphs, and a document with a seal on it. She arranges them on the table with the precision of a surgeon laying out instruments.)

KAREN: So. I’m here to give you an updated picture of the Iran Freedom Initiative. As our letter indicated, we believe in full transparency with our investor base.

PHIL: We’re not your investor base. We’re taxpayers.

KAREN: Exactly! The backbone of the enterprise.

(She slides a chart across the table. It has a line going up. The line is going up very steeply.)

KAREN: Now. As you may recall, the original investment framework projected a cost of approximately two hundred billion dollars for the Iran initiative. That figure was based on a four-to-six-week operational timeline and assumed certain conditions on the ground.

DORIS: What conditions?

KAREN: That the Iranian government would collapse within two to three days of the opening strike.

PHIL: And did it?

KAREN: It did not.

PHIL: So the conditions were wrong.

KAREN: The conditions were aspirational.

(Phil looks at Doris. Doris’s eyebrows have achieved a height previously thought anatomically impossible.)

DORIS: Karen. What’s the new number?

(Karen takes a breath. The kind of breath people take before they tell you your car needs a new transmission.)

KAREN: We’re currently projecting approximately five hundred billion.

(Silence. The refrigerator hums.)

PHIL: Five hundred billion.

KAREN: Give or take.

DORIS: Give or take what?

KAREN: Well, that’s really hard to say. These things are inherently unpredictable. I want to be completely transparent about that. The five hundred billion is our current best estimate, but I wouldn’t want you to hold us to it, because frankly, estimating the cost of a military operation in a region with fourteen active conflict zones and a closed oil strait is more art than science.

PHIL: Art.

KAREN: Art.

PHIL: The art of escalation.

KAREN: I wouldn’t use that phrase. We prefer “adaptive investment recalibration.”

DORIS: Karen, can I ask you something?

KAREN: Of course!

DORIS: Do we need to approve this?

(Karen tilts her head. The way a golden retriever tilts its head when you ask it a question it finds adorable but irrelevant.)

KAREN: No. No, it’s not one of those things that you can approve. Or disapprove, for that matter. I’m here to inform you. In advance. That’s the transparency piece.

DORIS: So you’re telling us, not asking us.

KAREN: I’m telling you in a very respectful and proactive way.

PHIL: What if we said no?

KAREN: To what?

PHIL: To the five hundred billion dollars.

(Karen laughs. It is a kind laugh. A patient laugh. The laugh of someone who has been asked this question at eleven other kitchen tables today.)

KAREN: Mr. Dalton, that’s a little like saying no to gravity. The investment has already been made. The operational tempo is in motion. The munitions have been expended. You can’t un-launch a Tomahawk missile. Those are three and a half million dollars each, by the way. Each one.

DORIS: How many have been launched?

KAREN: I don’t have the exact figure, but I’m told it’s in the high hundreds.

(Doris reaches behind her ear. She pulls out a pencil. She picks up a napkin. She begins to write.)

DORIS: High hundreds. Let’s say eight hundred. Times three point five million. That’s…

(She writes.)

DORIS: Two point eight billion dollars. In Tomahawk missiles alone.

KAREN: Those are the premium ones. We also used the economy ordnance. JDAMs. Under a hundred thousand each.

PHIL: Economy ordnance.

KAREN: We’re very cost-conscious.

(Doris is still writing on the napkin.)

DORIS: Karen. The original estimate was two hundred billion. You’re now at five hundred. The previous three wars — Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan — came in at a combined eight trillion dollars. Every single one exceeded its original estimate by a factor of ten to twenty-five. If this one follows the same pattern…

(She finishes writing. She holds up the napkin.)

DORIS: …we’re looking at two to five trillion.

(Karen smiles. The smile of a woman who did not come here to do math.)

KAREN: Mrs. Dalton, I think that’s a very pessimistic projection.

DORIS: I’m a bookkeeper. We’re not pessimistic. We’re accurate.

(Karen closes her portfolio. She stands. She straightens her jacket.)

KAREN: Well, I want to thank you both for your time. I have eleven more households to visit today. If you have any questions, the number for the Division of Foreign Adventures is on the back of the original prospectus.

PHIL: We tried calling. We got a recording that said “Your call is important to us” and then played “The Stars and Stripes Forever” for forty minutes.

KAREN: Yes, we’re experiencing higher than normal call volume. Because of the war.

PHIL: Because of the war.

KAREN: Thank you again for your continued support.

(She exits. Phil and Doris sit in silence. The prospectus is still on the table. The letter is still on the table. And now a napkin with a very large number on it has joined the collection.)

DORIS: Phil.

PHIL: Yeah.

DORIS: She didn’t drink her coffee.

(Phil looks at the full cup of coffee sitting where Karen sat. He looks at Doris.)

PHIL: She doesn’t have time for coffee. She’s got eleven more kitchen tables to ruin today.

(Blackout.)

ACT III

“The Installment”

Three weeks later. A Saturday morning. Late November.

(Lights up. Same kitchen. Same table. But it has changed. The prospectus is still there. The letter from the Division is still there. The napkin with Doris’s math is still there. They have been joined by several more items: a gas bill marked “PAST DUE,” a grocery receipt with a circled total that is clearly higher than it used to be, and today’s newspaper, whose headline reads “IRAN WAR ENTERS THIRD MONTH; PENTAGON SEEKS ADDITIONAL FUNDING.” Phil is at the table. Doris enters with the mail.)

DORIS: We got another letter.

PHIL: From who?

DORIS: Guess.

PHIL: Division of Foreign Adventures.

DORIS: Division of Foreign Adventures.

(She opens it. She reads silently for a moment. Her face does a thing.)

PHIL: What?

DORIS: Karen got promoted.

PHIL: Karen got promoted?

DORIS: Karen Whitfield has been elevated to the role of Deputy Assistant Director for Public Affairs and Stakeholder Engagement at the Department of Defense. They want us to know that our case has been transferred to a new representative.

PHIL: What’s the new representative’s name?

DORIS: It doesn’t say. It says “To Be Determined.”

PHIL: Our new representative is To Be Determined.

DORIS: Like everything else about this war.

(Phil takes the letter. Reads.)

PHIL: “Dear Valued Taxpayer. We are pleased to report that the Iran Freedom Initiative continues to make meaningful progress toward its strategic objectives.”

DORIS: Which objectives? They’ve had six different ones.

PHIL: “As part of our commitment to transparency, we wish to advise you that the revised investment estimate of five hundred billion dollars, communicated to you by Ms. Whitfield, may require further adjustment. Current projections suggest the final investment may exceed the most recent estimate by approximately fifty to sixty percent.”

(Silence. Doris reaches behind her ear. The pencil is there, as it always is. She picks up a fresh napkin.)

DORIS: Fifty to sixty percent above five hundred billion.

(She writes. Phil watches.)

DORIS: That’s seven hundred fifty to eight hundred billion dollars. On the conservative end.

PHIL: There is no conservative end. There is no end at all.

(Doris looks at the growing pile on the table: the prospectus, the letter, Karen’s charts, the napkin from Act II, the new napkin, the gas bill, the grocery receipt, the newspaper.)

DORIS: Phil. Do you remember when Elmer came? With the prospectus?

PHIL: I remember.

DORIS: What was the original number?

PHIL: Two hundred billion.

DORIS: And what is it now?

PHIL: Eight hundred billion. Maybe more.

DORIS: Four times the original estimate. In less than three months.

PHIL: Sounds about right. Iraq went from eighty billion to three trillion. Afghanistan went from “a few months” to twenty years and two point three trillion.

DORIS: Vietnam started with advisors and ended with fifty-eight thousand caskets.

(Long pause. Phil picks up the letter again. Reads the closing.)

PHIL: “We recognize that these adjustments may be unexpected. Please be assured that the Division of Foreign Adventures remains committed to achieving a successful outcome, the definition of which will be provided at a later date.”

DORIS: The definition of success will be provided at a later date.

PHIL: Can’t define success, but they can define the bill.

(He reads the last paragraph.)

PHIL: “Finally, we wish to remind you that the annual carrying cost of the three previous foreign adventures — debt service, veterans’ care, and ongoing security commitments — remains approximately two hundred to three hundred billion dollars per year. This cost is unrelated to the current initiative and will continue indefinitely. We appreciate your continued support. Have a nice day. And Happy Holidays.”

(Phil sets the letter down. He looks at the table. The whole story is there: the prospectus, the letters, the napkins, the bills. The table looks like a crime scene. Which, in a way, it is.)

DORIS: Phil.

PHIL: Yeah.

DORIS: What does it cost us? Personally. Our share. This household.

(She picks up the pencil. She writes on the napkin. Phil watches her lips move as she calculates.)

DORIS: If the Iran adventure comes in at eight hundred billion — which is the low end of what they’re now projecting — and you divide that across a hundred and thirty million households… that’s about six thousand dollars. For this war. On top of the fifty-five to seventy-five thousand we already owe for the last three.

(She sets the pencil down.)

DORIS: Phil, we owe the government roughly seventy thousand dollars for wars we didn’t vote for, against countries that most Americans can’t find on a map, for objectives that were never achieved.

(Long, long silence. The refrigerator hums. Somewhere outside, a dog barks.)

PHIL: And they sent us a letter wishing us Happy Holidays.

DORIS: And they sent us a letter wishing us Happy Holidays.

(Phil picks up the letter. He looks at it. He looks at Doris. Then he turns to the audience. Directly. For the first time in the play.)

PHIL: They sent you one too, by the way.

(Doris turns to the audience.)

DORIS: The bill is yours. It has always been yours.

(Phil holds up the letter.)

PHIL: Have a nice day.

(Blackout.)

• • •

END OF PLAY

• • •

“Have a Nice Day” is the second in a series of ten short dramatic works titled “Have a Nice Day!” accompanying the essays “The Return on Investment of War” and “The Art of Escalation” by Charles Cranston Jett. The first episode, “The Prospectus,” introduces Phil and Doris and the visit from Elmer of the Department of Strategic Investment Opportunities.

Charles C. Jett  |  criticalskillsblog.com  |  civicsage.com